Well here I am sitting in front of this computer screen again
big surprise there right.
I am here a lot more then i use to be
seems i find comfort in the keystrokes i take.
Or
Maybe I just find comfort knowing there is someone
on another screen some where looking forward to my next entry
Either way here i am lol.
I have so much to say but when it comes time to type
I seem to always draw a blank
Wonder why that is?
I am the same way in person people Honestly
I want to speak I do but when push comes to shove
I almost never do.. It is like some force out there
rips the voice from my throat to keep me silent.
I spend a great deal of my day that way very quiet
but in my defense I have been like this for a very long
time I am not sure what exactly caused it just that i am
It can however really cause problems for me
Like family members are always getting mad at me
and my BF thinks i am ignoring him all the time
& then there is my mother who thinks i am just well
A BITCH period.
It is not really the case I do have things to say
I just can not seem to find the voice to say it
when i want or need to.
Like for example with my BF
there are many times i want to say some thing to him
but his mannerism tend to stop me.
He is the ready for battle type
I am the rather not even raise my voice type
So if i have some thing to say to him most times i just don't
say anything at all
Because i do not want to cause a ruckus or get huffed at.
That and I find that he takes things i say a bit more personal
then they are meant.
So why waste my time and risk an unnecessary fight or argument.
Then there are the times i just want to scream out
to any one who will listen here i am right here
why cant you see me lol
But well that's for another blog i am sure lmao
Another reason i tend to stay so quiet i think
is because people are always complaining i do not
speak loudly enough for them
Well damn it that is just me why do I have to change
every thing about me but no one else
has to change anything about them?
I have always been the one to make the changes or sacrifices
weather it be for my mother, brothers & my children.
Or for the romantic interest i am with
Hell it seems even for those so called friends I have known
But none have ever really had to do any such
changes to suit me
I never expected any from my Mother or Children
to be honest her giving birth to me was truly
enough and their being my legacy is as well
I would just once like not to be the one
Maybe just once it would be nice to have that done for me
to be accepted just as I am would be even better.
Well I guess for now I will just have to continue feeling
Like a disappointment to them all
Cause I do not see myself changing my way of silence
any time soon it is just who I am deal with it.
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